getting caught up on my poison pen letters

Dear DNC-apologist Obamamaniacs,

A year's gone by and it's increasingly less likely that Gitmo will ever be closed. Are you actually surprised and angry? Really? Obama's Bushlike position on the updates to FISA to let telecom off the hook for spying on US citizens, his Bushesque Patriot Act support, and his Bushish and delightful disdain for equal rights for all Americans didn't make you think that, I dunno, he might just be a politician, and not the Democratic messiah after all? Well, at least he talks good and is saving us from the shame of the Bush years. Who cares if Thing 1 and Thing 2 aren't really so different when it comes down to it? The guy seems like a breath of fresh air, so he must be one! Isn't Lost starting again soon?

Love, Joe



Dear tea-baggin', tax-hatin', Gawd An' Kountry conservatives from Colorado Springs,

Enjoy your dark streets, your brown parks, and don't expect us to get all worked up right off when you dial 911. Hell, people, that stuff is socialism, what with mah tax dollers goin' to pay for them communist firefighters and those Soviet Union-style streetlights. Power to the middle class, man, and the free market! Coming soon—Colorado Springs™, brought to you by Carl's Jr. and Ted Haggard's Superfun Happy Camp for Young Christian Men. Paying taxes for services delivered in the common interest of the people ain't patriotic and Amurican…except it is, stupid.

Ha!

Yours in keee-rist, Joe



Dear 1886 Supreme Court of the United States of America,

Thanks so much for deciding, in the case of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad Company, that a corporation is a cute little person with rights and freedom, gosh darn it, because it was just so obvious that a group of anonymous, legally-isolated committee members tasked solely with the job of producing a profit at all costs is, in reality, just a regular Joe like you and me. 'Course, a black person didn't count at all back then, but I think that's in the Bible somewhere, so it's okay. Congratulations for finishing the job in 2010. Let the FREEDOM ring, baby! (FREEDOM™ is brought to you by Carl's Jr. )

Officially yours, Joseph

P.S. Dear Democrats, thank you for getting batsh!t crazy angry about the Citizens United v. the FEC ruling exactly 36 hours after you could have possibly made a difference. That's cool how you do that, being all smug and overconfident and dismissive of your opponents, because of course everyone agrees with you and needs no convincing, ever. It was so fun and silly after Prop. 8, all that marching and outrage ('cause hell, we just didn't have the time to do it beforehand—we're such very, very busy people!) and man, you've got me slappin' my knees all over again. Oh, the fun we're going to have over the next few years.



Dear carmakers of the world,

Thanks so much for hybrids! How else could we spend an extra $10k to get a car that's way more complicated than my 1981 Datsun to almost get the gas mileage I was able to get back then in my crappy old car. Who needs light, efficient cars with loads of interior space? Please make more BMW Minis, and if you can possibly make them even smaller inside, or fill them with foam and computer-controlled airbags for our ankles, we'd be ever so grateful. After all, it wasn't like millions of people bought and loved those crappy old ones with their terrifying excess of interior space (agoraphobics rejoice!). We need more computers, radar in our mirrors, video screens, rear-facing video cameras, On-Star, giant bumpers, SUV fortresses and more because it's just so hard to learn to drive safely and respectfully. Hell, isn't Lost coming back on? We don't have time to learn stuff! Get out of my way, idiot!

Sincerely, Smokin' Joe



Dear makers of Suave shampoo,

Thanks so much for giving me less shampoo for my money, packaged in an attractive curvy bottle. I was really bored with getting a great product in a plain, simple package for a good price. Now I want botanicals, lamb placenta, and that just-washed look! Screw those stupid thrifty people—what did they ever do for the world!?

Foamily yours, Joe



Dear people who think Obama is a communist,

Umm, read a book, you dull-witted wannabe John Galts. History really isn't that hard. That said, I'd be honored if you'd all go Galt on us and withhold your brilliant, amazing selves from us lumpen commies. Take a load off and have a little vacation. Heck, you can all teabag each other until you're properly relaxed.

Your pal, Joey!



Dear folks who keep saying we should let the people vote on "gay marriage," because that's how democracy should work,

I concur heartily. I mean, look how popular civil rights for black people were back in the sixties, if you asked the average guy on the street. Hell, we'd have all been equal years earlier if we'd just asked the white people in Alabama if black people were as good as white people, right? Democracy isn't about noble principles, for heaven's sake—it's about getting the population worked up into a frenzy of fear and then handing them loaded guns. Hasn't anyone been paying attention? While we're at it, I think we should vote on whether we give those socialist churches our god-given tax dollars to support their communistic mission. That Jesus guy was a real dangerous hippie, you know—I hear he committed terrorism against the capitalistic moneylenders in the temple! That's just unamerican. Let's vote!

Your friend on the ballot, Joe



Dear Livejournal,

I feel much better now. Wish you were here!

Cheerily yours, Joe-Joe Dancer!